Tara Brenner

 1.) Packing has officially begun....or the process of dividing my things between what I wan, what I don't want,  and what I need has officially begun.I don't even have a place yet to put all my crap once I get to OKC.  Have I admitted that I'm overwhelmed yet? The plan is to take only what I can fit in my car, the process of ridding myself of  everything else is actually quite liberating. 

2.) I got sick. I hate getting sick when it gets nice.

3.) No three, only Zul. 

1.) I've been accepted into a master's program. Whoopie!!!! NO MORE PRISON!!!! The countdown began three days ago.

2.) Due to acceptance - I'm moving to OKC in the late summer after NPS. I'm pretty much hawking all of my shit and packing only what can fit in my car. I'm very excited to get rid of everything I don't really need. Four years in one place has weighed me down with stuff...just stuff. Anyone need things?

3.) Team Finals for Boise are April 18th. My last hoorah. If I make the team this year it will be very bittersweet.

4.) I had to fix my bangs today. The woman who did my hair made me look more 14 than 24. Hopefully I look 19 now. Forever young.

5.) On another vain note: I'm trying Neutrogena make-up instead of my beloved Bare Minerals. I'm hoping my skin clears up.

6.) Taxes: Done. FAFSA: Done. I'm so responsible.

7.) Great Plains Poetry Pile-up is in two weeks. It should be an awesome time. I'm very excited. Hopefully I'll have a new poem to compete with. *Yells at brain to find more inspiration*

Love you, lovelies!

1.) I should be working on entrance essays for grad schools. Guess what I'm not doing!

2.) Six weeks of poetry workshops are about to be awesome! Yay!

3.) Kristen and I went out to lunch today. It was one of those times where we actually talked about things that mattered. We live together, so we talk about the every day, but rarely things that matter. We were pondering the inner workings of love. Here's my current thought pattern:

{redacted}

I think I like the idea of people more than I actually like them. There is this french guy that I had the biggest crush on for, like ever. He had this amazing accent, tons of charm, and completely mysterious. I got up the nerve to speak to him, and we even hit it off for a minute, but I  couldn't get over this idea of what he would be like and then the realization of what he actually was. The build up was shattered. I lost interest. Is that awful to say?

I am more comfortable walking away from someone then I am riding it out to the end. I will end relationships before they even have a chance to begin. I admit it. I feel safer doing this. I never have to really show someone my ugly parts. I like the distance. I've been wondering if I'll ever let my guard down. I'm such a cliche sometimes.

Fuck, I'm going to talk about it: So there's this poet who I've known since I started slam. He's been my cheerleader, supported me on my first regional competition, been my best friend ever since. We look after each other. We laugh together. We tell war stories. I would hang out in his hotel room at IWPS in my pajamas, no makeup. When he calls and I tell him I'm watching Real Housewives he asks what's going on. He doesn't mind that I secretly listen to John Mayer sometimes and can even quote lyrics. He'll even rock out with me on those songs that no one admits to enjoying. He makes me feel like everything I do is cool. No matter what I wear is awesome. That who I've chosen to be is amazing. I can honestly say that I don't think he judges me. It's an amazing feeling. I always thought we only had a sibling dynamic. We've known each other for years and that was just that. But when he said he liked me, I guess a part of me always knew that. We've always liked each other. And I know it's not a big thing since we live in different cities, but we've been writing postcards and letters, and calling each other for hours. He's meaning something to me in a different way, and I like that. I'm curious to see how it goes. Ugh, I guess I just needed to tell someone -even if it's the internet void. Thanks void for letting me get that off of my chest.

I don't think I need to be in love anymore. At least not immediately. I like this idea of experiencing people, of being around them. You're all so fucking brilliant.

1.) Dying my roots. I'm officially a Champagne Blonde. I like the ring of it.

2.) Also, running again. There's something about club music and running that makes me feel alive. Even when I'm just on the gym treadmill it's like I'm going somewhere, even if it's in my head. Picked up snowboarding for this year. It's always the same, if I go once, I have to keep going. I'm getting fearless on the snow. Love, love, love it.

3.) I'm hitting the gloom wall which I always smack into this time of year. Next month is packed though with events and poetry things so I hope it will help. Anyone want to do a Valentine exchange? I am totally in the mood for one.

4.) Writers block. *smacks forehead* Why, oh why?

5.) I was thinking of cutting my hair shorter so I could faux hawk it (yes, I'm one of those girls). But I love my long hair. It took years to grow this shit out. So I faux hawked it today using a billing bobby pins and hair spray. Yes, this works. It was very toned down - almost a James Dean/Elvis kind of swing to it. Not so much punk rock as older rock n' roll. I totally dig it.

( On to the mantourage )

1.) I love the sounds of someone getting ready for work. I love the sound of the shower running, of footsteps in the kitchen, and of the attempt of silence when they're in the same room where they think I'm still sleeping. I love the smell of soap and cologne. These things are intoxicating for me. I know that the novelty will wear off someday, but I'm hoping not too soon.

2.) Back to work at the prison. I'm already thinking about heading out of town again. I should visit my nephews, or at the very least - my older sister.

3.) Please motivation. Find me. Grad apps should be in by March/April. I haven't even started on essays.

4.) I'm trying to get into a wider range of music. I've been hopelessly indifferent to the search of newer, more awesome bands. Does anyone have suggestions of who I should absolutely be listening to?

5.) Shower time. Have a good day lovelies!

1.)    So I just got back from all of my holiday traveling. Boise never looked so good this time of year. I want to hug it closely and never let it let me go.

2.)    If I could go back and time and have a stern discussion with my self from two weeks ago,  I would punch me in the face. In the fucking face. I somehow turned into this sniveling, whining, low-self-esteem having, crippling emotionally-worn-down, lonely, desperate idiot.

3.)    Why do I do these things like beg for attention from people who are probably just planning the best place to force the knife into my spine? Lord knows I fall for any arrogantly clever sonofabitch who comes walking towards me. This formula is foolproof.

{Redacted}

So today I’m fixing my last slew of very poor decisions.

 Time for resolutions! (Please note the fed-upedness of the next train of thoughts)

1.)    Although last year’s resolution was AWESOME! (Said with fond memories, but laced with a hint of sarcasm) I will be revamping last year’s 2010 motto of “More Sex in 2010” to include quality over quantity. This year was a complete success for the ‘2010 Win’, but the quality assurance department apparently wasn’t running many tests. I made the observation to Kristen last week that I was so tired of having cheap sex I could scream.

2.)    Fall in love less!!!! I really wanted to fall in love last year. I tried so hard that I fell in love with everyone. Good in terms of karma, bad in terms of self-preservation. I will try to take a year off of the love search, but if it happens I will definitely choose more wisely.

3.)    Go run more – This should be self explanatory

4.)    Take care of your broken brain. Try meditation, or yoga. Be at peace or something.

5.)    Travel more. Find any reason to get out of town.

6.)    Write more. Write more anything. Don’t let yourself become lazy about it.

7.)    Grad apps a-go-go.

8.)    And eat more fruit. For that matter, drink more water. Your skin looks like shit. *le sigh*

We’ll see how I do.

P.S. I wrote a new poem. Yay!

P.P.S Miss you slamily. Hope your new year does you good.

1.) Real Time: If you could capture a snapshot of me right now, you would find me in my natural state before responsibility kicked my ass - sweat pants, at my mom's kitchen table, no make-up, ponytail, my nose ring in, and drinking egg nog with booze in it.  I even ate chicken enchilladas earlier. My mother made them! Even white-lady chicken enchilladas are good. This could quite possibly be heaven....

2.) Tomorrow's game plan: Keep my mouth shut around my father. I've been stewing lately over all of his poor life choices, especially the ones that affected the people currently in this house. I'm about ready to lash out and it won't be pretty. You can only taunt a rattlesnake for so long before its fangs are in your leg.

3.) BTW - IWPS was awesome and everyone was wonderful. I hope to do better next year. I'm also seriously considering WOWPS.

4.) Even though I love being with family, I'm thinking that all of this vacation time is being wasted. I mean, I'd love to take more time for friends, especially the ones I don't see often enough - like slamily. So all I'm sayin, is if you have a hankerin' to be somewhere completely different, such as Boise on New Years for instance, I would love to entertain you.

5.) I miss all of you. I hope you are all doing well.

Fine! I get it universe! I'll buy Tiny Tim the biggest friggin turkey he's ever seen! Just lay off okay?!!!!

Exhibit A: I accidentally leave my computer logged on at work. Co-worker gets into my e-mail and sends out an e-mail (under my name) saying that I'm pregnant and I could really use some support from my fellow co-workers because I'm single and this is a really hard time in my life. Bitch gotta die. Seriously. Now imagine that this e-mail (THAT ISN'T TRUE!!!!) goes out and not only do the three hundred or so people you work with know, but now two thousand something inmates know. Entering that place is mortifying. I got all ghetto and told the person who did it to keep my name out of her mouth. I couldn't do an incident report. She'll get fired if she gets another one, and I have an annoyingly golden soul. I just tell the truth when anyone asks me and in turn it's making her look like a total douchebag, which helps me feel a little better. I've also told everyone at work that if we throw a "baby shower" to just bring whiskey and vodka. That's it.

Exhibit B: I'm sick! Fuck! and a week before iwps too!!! Damn damn damn damn damn!!!!

Exhibit C: It's awful snowy here in Boise and I managed to hit something that I thought was snow (but really wasn't) which was large and concretey. Said object tore through the underside of my teeny tiny Chevy Cavalier and blew out a tire. It's late, I call a few people, no one picks up to talk me off the ledge. Panic ensues.

Exhibit D: Parts for car are a week out. Damn damn damn damn damn!!!!


That's all the bad stuff. Everything comes in threes right? Here's the aftermath so far:

1.) Because my car is in the shop for a week, I decided to rent a car - mostly because I work in the middle of nowhere and I needed to get a billion things done before I leave for iwps. I just felt so bad relying on my friends. I felt so embarrassed. I can't ask anyone for anything. Ever. (Inner monologue: "Why are you single Tara? I havent a clue!" -sarcasm- *groan*) Upside - I am now driving a lime green Kia Soul *he he*.

Enterprise guy: "What kind of car would you like?"
Tara: "I get to choose? I just thought you'd present me with one."

The search of a prison cell is done in careful angles.

Left, right, up, across

Reach down, reach forward

Look underneath

Use mirrors

There could always be sharp object where you can’t see your hands.

And inmates never care when a staff member gets stabbed with needles

Or razor blades

So watch out.

Follow your hunches

Where you would hide an object,

A convict has already thought of it

And more

There’s pornography in between Christmas cards

Tattoo motors in bars of soap

Drug balloons in bottles of shampoo

The dogs can’t smell it when it’s in there you know.

The entire endeavor is a twisted scavenger hunt

Of curling around metal bed frames

And digging through property boxes

In an attempt to find the big three:

tattoos

drugs

and shanks.

I’ve never seen a shank in real life

but I know how easy to make one.

Plastic hangers in pencil sharpeners

or a carved down tooth brush.

Will go through your neck just as easily as a knife will.

When the inmate in 204 got angry

over a confiscated art book.

I stepped in front of the trainee

as quickly as instinct

bore my teeth

and snarled back at the criminal.

I’m alpha here

and they know it.

That poor boy couldn’t have been much older than I was,

but wore his intimidation in wide eyes

and beads of sweat.

I won these demon eyes

from territory fights in iron bars.

Keep your eyes against the gladiator ring,

and watch yourself kid.

This place will make wolves out of lion tamers.

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

When I was a child

I had this habit of looking up.

I would constantly trip over my own feet.

My friends said that it was because my eyes were always pointed skyward

And was probably how I got the color of my eyes.

But at night,

I was still pulled towards the heavens.

My dad bought a used telescope.

I don’t know where he found it,

but it was old

and took a week to properly clean the lenses and mirrors.

Saturn was low on the horizon that year

and I tried to find it for three weeks

crawling inch by inch

over an entire universe of sky.

It was small

and golden.

Hardly a star,

much less an entire planet.

But in that moment,

it meant the world to me.